It’s ultimate transparency time. I’m uncomfortable writing this, but it feels important, so I’m going to do it anyway.
On Thursday, I got a notice from the city that I was in violation of an ordinance because the back half of my backyard was overgrown. I had 72 hours to rectify it before daily fines would start to pile up. This made me unravel. I cried in front of my intern, who was so very kind. I spent hours that day with my neighbor Rick, trying to get a handle on the backyard (the whole thing has been a general mess since I moved in with wildly overgrown trees. It’s a beast of a yard).
I cried a lot. And not because of the citation. Because I was embarrassed by how deep into my depression I had gotten without realizing it.
I’m not sure when things started to spin out of control. I’ve been struggling for a while, but I’ve managed to pop my head back above water. I spent two weeks at my sister’s house a while back, and I think I haven’t been okay since I got back. I miss my family. Being 16 hours away is SO hard. I love my NWI friends dearly, but it’s just not the same. So I’ve been off since then.
The slide happens slowly. I stopped doing anything productive after work. Dishes piled up in the sink. I only did laundry once I ran out of clean underwear. I stopped cooking. I couldn’t do anything besides sit on the couch and watch bad TV. And I stopped mowing that damn back half of my backyard.
I started having random crying spells, too. Not over anything in particular…just a deep, deep sadness that seemed to hit me like a ton of bricks. And they wore me out.
In this time, I’ve been absolutely killing it at work. This is one area of my life that I don’t have any doubts about…I’m good at my job and I know it. And so all of my energy has gone into maintaining that.
I’ve also gone out with friends, kept making gains at the gym, and maintained a presence on social media that makes things seem rosy. But I’ve felt hollow.
So Thursday’s unraveling really punched me in the gut. I called my therapist and rescheduled my next appointment. I called my doctor and made an appointment to talk about getting back on some meds. And I finally reached out for some help with my yard.
My army of friends showed up for me, like they always do. Over the last 3 days, we’ve transformed the backyard. It’s amazing. And overwhelming.
I’m sharing this with you because I think it’s important to understand that mental illness doesn’t look the same for everyone. My depression makes me indecisive and robs me of the ability to do basic functions of daily living. It doesn’t hinder my job, or keep me out of the gym. It teams up with my panic disorder to paralyze me, then makes me feel guilty for not being productive.
The good news is that I’m aware of it now. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten this deep, so I wasn’t prepared. But thanks to therapy and #aggressivelyabouttheresa, I’m ready to fight back. My yard is transformed, my dishes are done, and I’m scheduled to see the people who can help me on a professional level.
I hate sharing this because I’m embarrassed and I feel weak. But I think it’s more dangerous to NOT share this. If you’re struggling, or you just feel off, you deserve to ask for help. When I’m struggling, I need my friend Robert to be on the phone with me while I do my dishes. I have no idea why, but the second we get on the phone together, I find the motivation to clean. I need to know I can trust my friend to be there for me in that way.
Find your trusted few and let them in. I didn’t until I was too far down, and now I have to climb back out. Luckily, my friends are here with ropes and ladders to pull me back out.
I spent so many years hating myself. Hating this body, with its lumps and rolls and fat. I told it over and over again that it wasn’t worthy of love, from me or anyone else. It was weak and pathetic and deserved to be hidden.
On bad days, that voice is still there. Nitpicking every inch, screaming every failure.
But she’s been getting quieter. And those bad days are getting further apart.
I love this body. For everything she is, for everything she can do. She’s made it through 30 years of trials, victories, good days, bad days, fad diets, injuries, self-loathing, and celebrations.
Lately, I feel like an absolute badass in the gym. Since my injury, I’m not putting up crazy numbers like before, but I’m being smart. I’m lifting well instead of just lifting heavy. I’m trying new things, like the Crossfit Open and training for Festivus. I’m listening to my body when she says that’s enough, or let’s push a little harder.
And ya know what? I’m checking myself out in the mirror too. I’ve built a booty that’s strong AF and arms that make me forget about the jokes about having no upper body strength as a kid. I’m wearing my fun clothes, not my oversized t-shirts. And it’s good.
Fat women are shamed when they dare celebrate their bodies and acknowledge that they’re sexy too. I’ve internalized that for so long that I believed I deserved to hide and shrink and not acknowledge that I’m damn proud of who I am and what my body can do.
So in this year of #aggressivelyabouttheresa, we’re taking ALL the selfies. We’re flexing and posing and embracing the body that we’ve shunned for so long. And we make NO apologies.
Hello friends, this is a longer one so I came back to the ol’ blog instead of social media.
I want to talk about shame. I’m not Brene Brown so I’ll never do it justice like she will (if you haven’t read her books or listened to her podcasts, do that right meow), but I have lived with shame for many, many years, so I can speak to how it can absolutely take hold of your life.
Seven years ago, I lost 120 pounds. And my identity became tied to my success in losing weight. I became the fitness lady, then when I went to grad school, the health lady. Well, if you’ve followed me for any length of time, you know my life crashed around me and I gained a bunch of it back.
And it WRECKED me.
I didn’t know who I was anymore. I was the fitness failure. The overweight public health lady with a panic disorder.
I was SO ashamed. Ashamed of my failure, of my inability to go hard at CrossFit, or to even go a day without a panic attack.
Eating brought me shame. Every time I ate something that was “bad” for me, I felt like a trash human.
And that continued for YEARS. Shame brought more shame, until eventually that shame I felt became my new identity. At least internally. I was the girl who lost the weight, then gained it back. Just like the statistics said I would.
I’ve carried that shame like a heavy coat for so, so long. Shame over food, shame over my weight, shame over whether or not what I do is pleasing to other people.
And y'all, it’s exhausting. It rips your soul out and replaces it with darkness.
I couldn’t be who I truly am: a beautiful, strong, hardworking person who is passionate about making a difference in the world. I couldn’t live out that truth and enjoy my life. I couldn’t eat a cookie without spiraling, or go out with friends and not worry about how much I was eating.
This isn’t a, “thanks I’m cured!” post. I still struggle with shame. After a mostly dry January, I had a few beers when we built our igloo. I had an anxiety attack the next day, afraid I had screwed up all of my progress. Spoiler alert: I didn’t. You know what I did do? I had a GREAT time with my friends and got to try some new beers from my favorite breweries.
These days, shame is less of a heavy coat and more of an annoying tophat that appears when it’s not welcome. And I didn’t magically get here. I consciously choose, daily, to let go of things that don’t serve me. This includes shame. When I eat “bad” foods I remind myself that there are no bad foods, and that one meal doesn’t undo all of my progress, just like one salad doesn’t give me a six pack.
I want to challenge you to dig out the areas of your life where shame is weighing heavy on you. Pull them out and sit with them for a while. Why are you feeling shame? How is it harming you? What can you replace it with?
I’ve replaced shame in some areas of my life with joy and acceptance. Where I once felt shame for gaining the weight back, I found a space in which I can meaningfully say to others, I get it. Not, oh that must be hard for you, but yeah, it’s hard for me too.
I got here with A LOT of therapy. I found a counselor who stans Brene Brown as hard as I do, and we’ve done the work of unpacking and releasing my shame together. As I always do, I HIGHLY recommend therapy for everyone.
I want you to know that it’s not an overnight fix, but letting go of shame around your weight and around food is life-changing and life-saving. You cannot be your best self carrying around the weight of shame. And you deserve to be your best self. Every day and every moment.
I started an Instagram for #fatgalfitness, so I’m starting to push more of my posts there. I’ll still keep the blog for some of the longer, deeper things. But it’s nice to explore a new space to share this journey. Fatgal_fitness if you’re interested. See below for the intro I gave tonight.
Hello friends, it’s time for me to really welcome you to Fat Gal Fitness. This journey began back in 2013 when something finally clicked and I found myself ready to make changes. If I’m honest, it started as a goal to lose weight so I could stop hating myself so much. But as I lost weight, I found out there was so much more to it. I found myself in my journey.
From mid-2013 to early 2014, I lost 120 pounds. In 2015, I ran a half marathon, did a triathlon, and became a group fitness instructor. I started my masters in health studies. I started CrossFit, and figured out that public health is where I belong.
In 2015, I also developed a panic disorder that threatened to kill me. I got on medication, into therapy, and focused on not dying. I started to gain some of the weight back.
In 2016, I quit CrossFit, finished grad school, and moved away, thinking I could outrun the panic. I was wrong.
In 2017, I joined an urban missions program. That year was one of the hardest of my life, and I gained 40 pounds back. I still couldn’t work out without panicking.
I stumbled out of that year, grateful and humbled by the experience, but still fighting so many of the same battles.
2018-2019-2020 brought glimpses of the old me. I moved to Indiana and fell in love with my job. I joined @revolution_fitnesscp and found a gym family. I became a certified fitness instructor and started coaching part time. I went through stints of finding the old me, but I couldn’t get her to stay.
We are almost 4 weeks into 2021. And Theresa, finally, is back.
Fat Gal Fitness is the journey to find who I am through the lens of radically caring for myself. I lost 120 pounds. I gained back 80. I lost 40 again. I’m strong AF and learning that the numbers I care about are on the barbell, not the scale.
I’m sharing all of this because this journey isn’t a straight line. It’s messy and ugly and we fall off and fall back and sometimes it’s just really hard.
I started my blog 8 years ago because I wanted accountability for myself. I kept it going when I realized other people were feeling the same things and a radical commitment to vulnerability can be life-changing.
#fatgalfitness #fitness #strongAF
So last time I talked about how I don’t do new years resolutions, but if they serve you, I fully support them. The problem with them usually, though, is they aren’t plans. They’re vague wishes that we hope will come true just because it’s a new year.
What’s that saying? Oh I looked it up…a goal without a plan is just a wish. So yeah. 😂
Anyway. If your new years resolution is health-related, it will not succeed without a plan. If you want to lose weight, you have to figure out HOW you’re going to do that. Rather than say, I want to lose 50 pounds, break it down into smaller steps. Why do I have 50 pounds to lose? Am I eating out too much? Drinking too much soda? Not moving my body enough? “Lose 50 pounds” breaks down into several smaller, attainable goals. It could be, drink 1 soda instead of 5. Walk around the block once a day. Cook 2 dinners at home.
In public health (well in every discipline really) we talk about SMART goals. Is this turning into a public health lecture? Maybe a little bit…but it’s important.
SMART:
Specific: not just “eat healthier” - eat 1 salad a day
Measurable: not “be more active” - walk around the block once a day
Attainable: losing 50 pounds in a month isn’t attainable, at least not in a healthy way. Think about goals that make sense for YOU. Drinking one less soda a day is attainable if you’re currently drinking 5.
Realistic: setting your sights too high or low will only discourage you. Going from couch-bound to gym queen isn’t going to happen overnight. Set goals you can achieve so they motivate you to keep going
Timebound: set timely expectations. This way you can measure your progress over time, see your progress, and stay motivated to keep going.
(your SMART definitions may vary…but they all have the same general basis)
So how do you even get started? Sit down with yourself and consider what you want to accomplish to be your best self. It doesn’t have to be weight, diet, or fitness related. It can be ANYTHING: Mending relationships, setting boundaries, being in nature more…whatever it is that makes you feel more like you.
This can still feel overwhelming, so once I have my goals set, and I’ve broken them down into smaller, manageable pieces, I take it one healthy choice at a time.
I mean that. Each day, each moment, is a chance to choose what’s best for you. And each healthy choice should push you forward into the next one.
Today, I didn’t want to get out of bed. Because reasons, I wasn’t going to be able to go into the gym today. So I signed up for the Virtual class. But my alarm went off and all I could think was, I could just sleep in. I could just NOT do it.
But I got up. Healthy choice #1.
Disclaimer: sometimes, staying in bed IS the healthier choice. If lack of sleep, or illness, or whatever means you need rest, follow your body’s cue. Your gains aren’t made or lost in a day.
So now that I’m up, I’ll get on the zoom. I’ll do the workout. I’ll add a 25# weight vest because Steph is a monster. I’ll enjoy myself. Healthy choice #2.
Let the momentum of your choices propel you forward to keep it up. Now, I’m going to make myself a healthy breakfast, and spend some quiet time with my happy lamp before I have to start work. I’ll drink my water throughout the day, and continue consciously choosing things that serve me best.
This is how we build habits and the lives and bodies we want for ourselves.
But what happens when the healthy choices aren’t made? When we say, I just can’t do it, and sleep through the workout, or eat cheese fries for breakfast, or push ourselves so hard we get sick?
We pick ourselves up on the next one, and we move forward.
Cause here’s the beautiful thing: one choice, or even a series of choices, doesn’t make or break you. Just like eating a salad once doesn’t suddenly give you a six pack, eating cheese fries for breakfast once doesn’t undo the progress you’ve made.
It’s making these choices over and over, ignoring what our bodies and minds truly need, that derails us.
In our society, it’s easier to NOT try. We can hole up in our houses, order doordash, turn on an endless loop of Netflix, and let the lives we wanted for ourselves fizzle out.
But that’s not really a life, is it? Sure, I’m going to have days that that’s all I do. And that’s okay. But weeks on end don’t serve me and the life I actually want for myself.
(if you’re isolating and feel like you can’t pull yourself out of the doordash Netflix hole, I encourage you to speak to a professional. Better help and talk space are both virtual Counseling options, and the national help lines are available 24/7. I’ve been in that hole, and it takes courage, and help from others, to come out of it. I’ve spoken very openly on this blog about my mental health, and I’m happy to talk to you and help you find resources)
So this ended up A LOT longer than I had planned, but I think it’s so important to understand that healthy, full lives don’t just magically happen. They take work, and choosing yourself over again every single day.
So onward, my friends. What healthy choices will you make for yourself today?
Well, it happened again. Tumblr ate ANOTHER post. So looks like I’ll be migrating this blog over to WordPress as soon as I have enough motivation…
So it’s 6pm on Sunday, and I’m soaking in the last few hours of my vacation. I have been off from work since 4:31pm on Friday, December 18, 2020. Apart from a food box headache on Monday the 21st (which I fully expected because #2020), I haven’t worked since then. I haven’t even opened my email. I got texts from my intern and one other partner and respectfully replied, we can discuss when I return on January 4th.
This is the first time in my entire life that I have not worked while on vacation.
As I’ve discussed on this blog in the past, so much of my identity is tied up in my ability to excel at my job. I have always done more than necessary, worked off-hours, and been available 24/7. Because I tie my value to my work performance, there hasn’t ever been a scenario in which I could just shut it off.
But with this new #AggressivelyAboutTheresa mantra, I gave it a shot.
And you know what? I didn’t die. The world didn’t end. I’ll come back to an absolute mountain of unread emails tomorrow and spend the better part of the week getting through them, but that’s okay.
My original post, again, was far more thoughtful, but I hope I can get my same point across this time.
Work-life balance is…well, it’s a farce first of all, especially in my world. Our work is inherently relationship-based, and apart from that, I genuinely LIKE the people I work with, so of course they’re going to be a part of my non-work life. I think there can be value in melding certain parts of your personal and professional lives. But I also know that I’ve struggled with drawing that line and shutting off the work part.
Since I’ve tied my value to my productivity for so long, I can’t just shut it off. I can’t just say no when my plate is too full for a new project. This ends up with me exhausted, over-extended, and when it gets really bad, physically sick.
That can’t be my life anymore. Cause you know what? After 2 weeks of not working, I’m still the same person I was. I’m still whole and worthy and my identity is intact.
I genuinely love my job, so I’m excited to get back to it tomorrow. But I’m also excited about the prospect of structuring my life and identity where my ability to do my job well just enhances who I am already. Setting boundaries and not tying so much of myself to my ability to exceed expectations in work is going to lead to better outcomes, both personally and professionally.
Now look, this is not going to happen overnight, so please recognize that I won’t magically be cured of my over-working tendencies. And when you see it happen, please, keep it to yourself. Growth and change are painful processes that I’ll work out on my own and with my therapist. Shame and guilt never helped anyone progress.
So on that note, I’m on to Day 2 of my Yoga With Adriene journey, and reveling in a few more hours of total “me” time.
Also, I spent ALL DAY rearranging and cleaning my living room for the 249437th time, specifically to make more room for my plants and to do yoga. 😂 Also I’ll be getting rid of my couch (do you want it?) And putting my bike trainer there for the winter. Seating is nice, but indoor cardio is nicer.
I wrote a really nice, thoughtful post about the new year, and giving ourselves grace for not ~thriving~ but merely surviving 2020. I recounted some of my own highs and lows, and encouraged everyone to just keep pushing.
It was great. And tumblr ate it, never to be seen again.
2020, amirite?
Anyway. This wouldn’t be a fitness blog without a good ol’ new years post.
But I’m not here to encourage you to “look on the bright side” or set any serious new years resolutions.
I’m here to congratulate you for surviving. You’re still HERE. And still being here is something to celebrate.
Some folks THRIVED in quarantine. They picked up new hobbies, lost weight, became their best selves. And that is incredible. They took the worst of situations and made it work for them. I need you to know how proud I am of you.
But a lot of us struggled. We didn’t find our best selves, or even very good versions. We trudged through, and barely made it out alive.
But we’re ALIVE. We’ve lost loved ones and jobs and money and expectations and we’ve struggled. But we’re still here.
If you follow my social media, you’re going to see the highlights. Winning awards for my work and distributing 600,000+ pounds of food. Finding my love for cycling, and boozy cookery. My sweet and perfect niece. And my EXTREME love of Christmas.
But social media is the highlight reel. I struggled in 2020, y'all. My depression kicked my ass, and my anxiety was (and is) out of control. I dove into weekly therapy sessions, and celebrated days that I managed to work out AND not just eat a bag of jerky for dinner.
The ills of 2020 are not magically gone at midnight. Life won’t suddenly be easier, covid won’t suddenly be gone.
But there’s hope and light that helps us endure the darkness. Sometimes it feels far away, but life is so sweet on the other side. And we can all make it there. Together.
I don’t do new years resolutions anymore. They don’t serve me. If they do you, then please, make your lists and set your intentions. But as I have spent the last few days meditating on what I want for my life in the coming year, 3 words keep swirling: “Aggressively About Theresa.”
I have spent my life measuring my worth by my value to other people. I’m only good enough when I excel at my job. I’m only a good friend when I’m doing something for you.
And I’m TIRED of that life. I’m tired of not feeling wholly worthy and good apart from what I provide to other people.
So I honestly don’t know what this looks like in practice. I think we’re going to find out as we go. But I’m committed to what serves me and leads to the life I so want for myself.
I’m sorry this post isn’t as eloquent and thoughtful as the first. Technology outsmarted me. But I am here to remind you that life is sweet on the other side of the darkness, and you WILL find the other side. I’m here to tell you that navigating change is scary and overwhelming, but mustering the guts to do it can be life changing.
2020 was HARD, y'all. For so many reasons with which we’re all far too familiar. And 2021 isn’t a magical cure to those reasons, but it’s a chance to do an ounce better. We’re still HERE. We’re still fighting. And that’s good enough, y'all. It’s GREAT.
So I hope you’ll navigate this journey with me. I truly don’t know what it will look like, but I do know that aggressively supporting and searching for our true selves is a worthy adventure.
It was a classic “I’m going to die” run this morning. 😂 I am SUPER SORE from yesterday’s workout. Squat cleans and wall balls and burpees and squats and allll the things to murder my quads. PLUS slamming myself in the throat with 160#…not great. BUT it’s Friday, and Friday is running day, so I got up and got out there.
After a quarter mile, both my quads seized up. Oh no. Keep moving. Just make it to a mile. We made it. I’ve been tracking my distance lately by the number of songs it takes me to complete a mile. Today, we were a slow lady, so it took around 4 songs a mile.
We made it to a mile and a half and said look Theresa, you’re halfway there. Just do a damn 5k.
So we did a damn 5k. She was slow and shuffle-y, but I’m proud of myself for not stopping. And I got to reward myself with a honey lavender latte afterwards so I mean…#worthit.
I have lots of things to get done today, so I’m glad I started my day off right with a chilly run, coffee, and friendship.
“If you fail to plan, you’re planning to fail.”
Annoying, but true. When I don’t meal prep, or keep up with grocery shopping, I fall off the wagon QUICK. I used to be able to open the fridge/pantry/freezer and just throw something together. But the pandemic has kicked my mental ass and so I often end up frozen, staring into the abyss of a fully-stocked pantry saying, I guess I’ll just eat a bag of jerky again.
It’s not great, y'all.
So the last several days (and for several weeks before Thanksgiving) I was just struggling. And I don’t feel good when I eat like trash. There are so many other reasons not to feel well right now, letting my nutrition be one of them really isn’t the right choice.
SO, tonight, after doing alllll the dishes that somehow piled up even though I’ve barely cooked, I got to work.
Oh, also, I bought a giant tub of greek yogurt and dropped it in my driveway. SO needed to use that bad boy up…
First up: Greek yogurt bagels. Yes, I’ve made, and posted about, these puppies at least 12 times. They’re THAT good. Here’s the recipe: https://www.skinnytaste.com/easy-bagel-recipe/
You want to make them. I promise.
While those were in the oven, I pulled out this ridiculous microwave chip maker I got for $2.50 at the thrift store. The plastic will likely kill me eventually, but damn I love chips and crunchy things. And it worked GREAT! So now I have a whole bag of chips for like a third of the calories. Huzzah!
Alright, let’s get back to this Greek yogurt…we want a lazy person recipe cause we don’t have THAT much motivation…ah, Greek yogurt Mac n cheese.
No real recipe for this one. Sorry, Taylor! I made 3 servings worth of elbow macaroni, then mixed in 3 slices of cheese, ½ cup Greek yogurt, and a whole bag of steamed California medley. I’ll get 3-4 meals out of this and probably throw some extra protein on it at some point.
Next…you guessed it, more Greek yogurt! Had some smoked turkey to use up, so shredded that, mixed in a ½ cup Greek yogurt, along with some pickles and banana peppers, and a good splash of hot sauce. Oh, and a scrambled egg cause why not? It’s delicious and will be amazing on those bagels.
So there you have it. I also took advantage of a Black Friday deal on Home Chef, so I have a few of those meals as well.
I’m not sure when the cooking bug will strike me again, but until it does, I’m set with food that’s going to make me feel less like a human dumpster, and that’s a win in 2020.
Back in the heyday of my running in Tuscaloosa, I assembled the Struggle Runners Club. We’d meet at the church coffee shop, each run our respective distances, meet back at the coffee shop, stretch, and go on with our days. It was awesome. It kept us all accountable, and it was an excuse to see some of my favorite people on a regular basis.
I know it’s weird that I don’t run WITH people, but to control my anxiety, I need zero pressure to keep up with someone. I have amazing friends who don’t mind running my pace, but all I can think about the whole time is how I’m holding them back.
And God bless them, all my runner friends can just casually hold a conversation at any pace while I am GASPING FOR AIR.
So yeah, I don’t run WITH other people. 😂
But I do still love that accountability, and the few minutes before and after when we get to catch up on life.
Today I got to run “with” my neighbor Debbie, who is an awesome runner. I masked up and met her outside Fresco, then down the trail we went, at our respective paces, aka I basically chased 100 yards behind her. 😂
About 2/3 of a mile in, both my calves seized up. I said not today Satan, and just kept running. Next thing I knew, I was 1.33 miles in. Okay. Let’s get 4 miles today. So I just kept chugging along. 2 miles. 2.3. 2.85. LAWD WHY IS THIS MILE SO LONG?! 3.1. 3.55. Theresa, stop checking your watch. 3.76. 3.85. Come on, get to 4. 3.95. You’re almost to coffee. 4! Maybe I’ll run the extra bit to the coff…NO. WE’RE DONE.
It felt great! Well…you know, running great. It’s a different kind of great.
I’m hopeful I can keep running into the winter, because I feel like I’m making progress. But either way, today I got 4 miles and a lavender honey latte and I am very pleased.
